Functioning Alcoholism…what is it?
Functioning alcoholism. The great oxymoron of our time. It’s a phrase waltzing precariously on the thin line between amusingly ironic and just plain tragic.
This fable is as bitter as whiskey and as ironic as a pub without beer. It’s the proverbial “Functional Alcoholic,” a creature we’ve either all heard rumors about or seen in action.
They get the job done and pay the bills, but they’re also tremendous fans of the sweet, sweet, allure of Bacchus’ delights at all hours.
Picture this – a top-tier executive who could do a smackdown with a tequila bottle and still manage to hit the Monday morning boardroom meeting.
Better yet, the suburban soccer mom running carpools and bake sales, while juiced up on Chardonnay, stored judiciously in her “water” bottle.
“It’s just social,” they proclaim!
It’s a hide-and-seek game with a twist – the hidden demon is disguised in a facade of productivity and normalcy.
Social Acceptability Doesn’t Equal Stability
Remember the childhood game oregano-and-dirt-soup, connoting something benign with a flavor that was, shall we say, less than delectable?
That’s everything you need to know about functional alcoholism—a tasty title masking an unpleasant reality.
You may argue that this survival mode is the silent partner to your James Bond lifestyle—after all, who could challenge the semblance of function you maintain, your bills paid, your job intact, all while downing that fifth shot?
Still, let’s talk about the countless little mishaps, the overlooked details that start to pile up under the rug, that famous “rug” where we all hide our less savory behaviors.
But wait, what’s that?
Even the rug is reeking of Whiskey now? Ignoring your liver’s cry for help, the hyper-drive anxiety, or the how-about-not emotional stability.
After all, Picasso was quite the absinthe fan, Hemingway could hold his liquor, so why not you?
A Gin-Soaked Mirage
With a waggling finger at the more, shall we say sobering, aspects of this condition, let’s not forget the stomach-churning hangovers tirelessly camouflaged with “I am not a morning person” excuse or the sheer poetic justice of being too sloshed to recognize one’s own tipsiness.
“One more won’t hurt,” says the functional alcoholic, boldly ignoring the syndicate of empty bottles quietly accusing from the recycling bin.
It is here where we often miss the slurred speech of the unspoken truth.
The tipsy, staggering elephant in the room is this: being a functional alcoholic is like being on a treadmill sprint with a steep fall at the end.
Running and running, just not moving.
Now don’t get too gloomy, this isn’t all empty Christmas presents and roaches in the cornflakes.
No, there’s a joy to this tale as well.
The mischief here lies in acknowledging the myth for what it is – a thistly bear trap, a gin-soaked mirage.
Unmasking functional alcoholism doesn’t pop the wine cork into an abyss, but instead, pours a frank, hangover-free brew of self-inspection and reality.
Unbody this urban legend, and you’ll step onto solid ground.
After all, the charm of life lies in cereal that tastes like cereal, not the half-remembered whiskey from last night’s binge.
So raise your coffee mug to sobriety, and wink at the comical ruminations on the myth of functional alcoholism.
Remember, you’re no creature, just an extraordinary human choosing the high of life over the highs of its spirited alternatives.
Signs of Functioning Alcoholism
Let’s identify the subtle signs that suggest someone might be a functioning alcoholic:
The Nightcap Needs a Nightcap
A dependency on alcohol to fall asleep might cast a shadow on functionality. It’s like counting sheep but each sheep is juggling a cocktail.
Perennial Thirsty Thursdays
A high-functioning alcoholic isn’t leaning on Friday night to crack open that bottle. Their week may seem like a string of endless Thirsty Thursdays. The Pina Colada is now Tuesday’s milkshake!
Merlot Over H2O
They choose alcohol over non-alcoholic drinks more often than necessary. If they’re sipping Shiraz while you’re spluttering on a hot coffee, it might raise an eyebrow or two.
Wizards of Booze-bury Park
They possess an almost uncanny tolerance for alcohol. They swim through a backyard pool of Pinot Grigio while everyone else is paddling in a Kiddy pool.
In Denial River Without a Paddle
Despite consuming copious alcohol, the person refutes or downplays their drinking habits – “Oh this? Just sipping on a homemade kombucha, my friend,” they might say, swirling a suspiciously red concoction.
The Pregame Ritual
They often consume alcohol before an event or social gathering. If they always arrive as bubbly as the Champagne they are sipping, there might be more to the story.
Lone Wolves of Whiskey
Often they prefer to drink alone, like a lone wolf. But in this case, the wolf is guzzling booze,, and howling at the moon is optional.
Memory Lane is Foggy
Frequent memory blanks or however comically they refer to it – “temporary amnesia” – may indicate alcohol misuse.
Bitter Infidelity Towards Sobriety
They become irritable or anxious when unable to access alcohol – their sobriety feels like a nagging babysitter they just can’t shake.
Captain of Excuse-land
They seem to have an artistic flair for crafting reasons to drink – “It’s a Tuesday afternoon, and the sun is out. Let’s have a toast!”
All jests aside, recognizing these signs helps pierce the veil of denial often associated with functioning alcoholism.
Funny as these may seem, if they reflect a reality for you or someone you know, serious consideration should be given to seeking professional help.
After all, laughter is the best medicine, but it pairs best with timely action.
Let’s lead alcohol use from punchline to hardline, one sober decision at a time.
Sobriety 101: The ‘How-to’ for Functioning Alcoholics (10 Steps)
It’s now time to embark upon the unconventional, ever-so-quirky guide on overthrowing the jittery overlord named alcoholism.
We’re diving into the buzzing world of functioning alcoholics and their journey to sobriety, with a dash of humor, a sprinkle of wit, and a big ol’ bucket of empathy.
Captain Obvious Strikes First
The first step, albeit a cliche, is admitting there’s a problem. It’s like finding out your harmless “pet” dragon in the basement is actually a hazardous fire hazard.
Embrace the Doc Side
One should approach medical professionals with open arms (and open livers). Dependence, stress, anxiety, and withdrawal are twists in the plot that health professionals have seen before. They’ve got the map to navigate this labyrinth.
Goodbye, Bottleneck, Hello Detox
Detoxification is the kind of glowing transformation portrayed in movies. It might not involve a dazzling gown or a magical fairy, but requires medical supervision nonetheless.
Brace yourself, the exit of alcohol from your system might be a bit bumpy and feel a tad like an alien abduction, but it’s one small step towards a less ‘Woo-Hoo!’, more ‘Phew!’ life.
Do the Talking Cure and Walk the Therapy Walk
Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a suggested way forward. Think of it as having a sit-down chat with your brain, urging it to unfriend alcohol, and pointing it towards healthier friendships with mindfulness and coping mechanisms.
Group-think to Shrink the Drink
Lean on the collective strength of support groups like the tri-humorous Three Muske-Teetotalers, alias, and Alcoholics Anonymous. Sharing experiences with others in similar pirate boats makes the Odyssey less daunting.
Incorporating mindfulness techniques into your routine is like inviting a Zen garden into your living room. It reduces stress and helps you observe your thoughts without diving headfirst into them, especially those swimming in the “Can I have another drink?” pool.
Have A Plan, Stan
Having a clear, structured plan is critical. It’s easier to replace “pour another glass” with “hit the gym” when it’s already penned down. Plus, pens are mightier than swords; surely they can take down a few bottles, huh?
Debug the Triggers
Becoming a trigger detective comes next. Avoid situations, people, or moods that are like the ‘Red dot on a white shirt’ triggers. If karaoke nights at the pub make your fingers itch for a beer, swap the stage for a sober house party, where the only harmful substance is your off-key singing.
Sobriety is the New Sexy
Embrace sobriety like it’s the new black the new Tesla, or whatever floats your alcohol-free boat. Being sober can skyrocket your health, relationships, and overall quality of life, making you feel like a million dollars (minus the hangover).
Go Back to the Future
High-functioning alcoholics are good at donning masks.
In recovery, it’s crucial to repair damaged relationships that might’ve been hurt during the ‘My Bloody Mary Years.’ It’s time to be Marty McFly and fix the past for a bright future.
Remember, tackling functional alcoholism is a marathon, not a sprint – a marathon on a rollercoaster through a carnival maze, yes, but totally feasible.
Equip yourself with the proper support, the right strategies, and the occasional laughter—and you’re set to conquer this voyage with flying colors, none of them being the color of whiskey, we hope.